The
GW Gang does Sherlock Holmes:
/Author:
Welcome back to the conclusion of this tale of mystery and intri…/
/Dorothy:
Don’t you get tired of using the same lines over and over again?/
/Author:
* twitches with irritation* I can always write you off using a very familiar
line of ‘And then she dies…just like that.’/
/Dorothy:
* gives melodramatic sigh and trots off to harass Wufei*/
The
setting is in the splendid living quarters of Lady Relena Peacecraft. It is a
rather large room with a predominant theme of India as its décor. All of the
furniture, although retaining some of its Victorian style, were draped with
layers of rich silk Indian and Chinese prints. It created a wonderful and
rather eclectic range of colors that could either be pleasing or quite
distracting to the eye.
Lady
Relena hated it.
But
a certain Prince was staying in her home for a visit and since he liked them,
she had had no other choice but to put up with it. But then again, it didn’t
help that her twin sisters both enjoyed the décor…and was that incense burning
in the corner of the room? Now her living room was beginning to reek of
something close to Opium. She was going to kill…
/Relena:
Uumm…isn’t opium a drug?/
/Trowa:
Yes, I do believe it is…why?/
/Relena:
Why is someone burning opium in my house then?/
/Hilde:
Hey, don’t forget we co-own the place as well * frowns* You keep acting like
you own it all!/
/Relena:
I am the oldest sister and I have the final say-so in what happens in my…!/
/They
suddenly all vanish from sight. Apparently a trap door beneath the stage has
sucked the characters in. Standing within the shadows with a thumbs-up sign is
Duo, who apparently yanked the string./
Thank
you! Now, where were we?
Ah
yes, Lady Relena and her allergic reactions to opium, were causing her to
sneeze every other minute. She dabbed her watery eyes with her silk lace
handkerchief, while sitting primly on her seat. She was dressed in a
cream-colored evening dress with billowing skirts decorated with flowers. Her
long light brown hair was done in the latest coif and it went well with her
pale and delicate features. Blue eyes glanced at the other occupants of the
room as she sneezed again. Tonight, Inspector Trowa and Winner had promised to
get to the bottom of the mystery and she would find out once and for all, who
was responsible for stealing her precious…Princess.
She
glanced towards the empty basket that usually held the large kitty. She could
feel her chest swell painfully and not wanting to cry, she held her
handkerchief between her teeth and bit hard on it.
Oh, my dear kitty. Once I find out who did this to you, I will seek revenge for all the pain you must have gone through!
A
movement from the door had everyone turning around to stare at the four men
that had just walked in. Inspectors Barton and Winner led the quartet.
“I
am terribly sorry to keep you all waiting for so long,” Barton said with a
light bow. “But we were held up by a slight delay. I am pleased that you all
decided to show up tonight. And Lady Relena…”
The
maiden sniffled. “Yes, Inspector…”
He
fell to his knees before the beautiful woman and clasped her hands tightly. A
background of sparkling lights and flowers suddenly appeared causing Relena to
blink in confusion.
“My
lady,” Trowa crooned with hearts in his eyes. “We shall get to the bottom of
this crime and get your cat back in your arms. That is a promise that I intend
to keep.”
“Oh…ah…thanks?”
/Quatre:
Perhaps we should fire the special effects crew? /
/Duo:
* smirking* Jealous much? /
/Quatre:
* gives a big loud vehement NO! which sends Duo almost flying to the other end
of room./
Inspector
Winner coughed lightly and stepped aside to present the two men behind him.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the greatest detectives of our
time…Detective Heero Yuy and his live-in-boy toy, Dr. Maxwell!”
A
deathly silence fell in the room as huge sweat drops formed behind each
person’s head. Duo’s face turned a bright beet red, while Heero coughed as he
reached for his pipe and promptly knocked the grinning blond on his head. Oddly
enough, the detective was blushing faintly as well.
“Ahem,
what Inspector Winner was trying to say is that Dr Maxwell and I have been very
good friends for some time now,” came the quick explanation as the handsome
detective walked into the room. He eyed the occupants with a small smile that
didn’t quite reach his eyes. However, as his gaze fell on his archenemy,
Professor Zechs Merquise, a visible spark of electricity could be seen crackling
between them. There was obviously no love lost between those two.
/Wufei:
You can say that again. * rolls eyes*/
/Duo:
* cackles in glee, while helping self to some snacks at nearby Kraft table*/
/Authors
are getting plenty worried about their actors./
“Professor
Merquise,” the detective greeted coolly.
“Detective
Yuy,” came the calm reply as the dashing young criminal mastermind, took off
his hat and gave a mocking bow to the dark-haired man. “I daresay this is a
pleasant surprise. I was on my way to the opera tonight, but it seems like you
have called me out here for reasons unexplained.”
“Hn.
We’ll see about that, won’t we, Professor Merquise,” Heero Yuy retorted
sharply. “Maxwell, my good man, please give me my thinking hat.”
/Duo:
Think…thinking hat?/
/Heero:
* whispers harshly* the deerstalker hat!/
/Duo:
Ooooh, that! It’s still at the drycleaners, sorry. *hands over a baseball hat *
would this do?/
/Heero:
* gives up* /
Since
Sherlock…I mean, Heero Yuy did not have his deerstalker hat anymore, he had to
make do with borrowing Inspector Winner’s police cap, which made the fair man
quite uncomfortable.
“Are
you getting all this down, Maxwell?” Heero asked as he made himself comfortable
on the single armchair in the room. He was now sitting directly before the
guests as his partner brought out his ink pen and handy notebook to begin his
secretarial duties. Once he got the nod of approval from the doctor, the
detective narrowed his eyes and pointed directly at the silent Prince.
“You
are the prime suspect for the kidnapping of Princess, Prince Wufei of China!”
Everyone
gasped in shock as the infuriated but yet devilishly handsome prince rose to
his feet quickly. “How dare you suggest that I would steal such a cat! What on
earth would I do with it?”
“Will
you deny that you have always harbored a resentment towards the kitten, Oh
Prince?”
“What
in the world?”
“What
happened at your last meeting with the Queen, Prince Wufei?” came the quiet
question that had the royal breaking out in a light sweat. He swallowed tightly
as he noticed everyone’s gaze pinned on him. Finally, he cried out in
frustration.
“Alright!
I hated the cat! I had wanted it for myself! The Queen had promised to give it
to me as a present and then…she!” He pointed to Relena with a look of fury on
his features. “She just had to visit the Queen on the very same day, didn’t
she? I wanted that cat and she got it instead! That’s so not fair!”
And
much to everyone’s chagrin and shock, the Prince fell to his knees and began to
bawl like a baby. Relena was not buying the crying act.
/Wufei:
What is the meaning of this?! Why am I crying over a stupid feline?!/
/Dorothy:
*croons * you look sexy when you cry, Wufei darling./
/
Wufei: * shudders in terror* Someone get her away from me! /
Lady
Relena was aghast. “So you kidnapped Princess to get back at me? You…you…”
“Hold
your thoughts, my Lady,” the detective interrupted with a wave of his hand. “I
just said that the Prince was a suspect, but he was not the one that kidnapped
your cat. It was…” He pointed his pipe squarely at the blond female, who had
now made her way to the piano. “Lady Dorothy!”
/Cue
doomsday music here as the sounds of church organs begin to play in
background./
“Oh,
don’t be preposterous, Detective,” the girl smiled sweetly as she flicked a
finger across her pointed eyebrows. “Why would I want to kidnap that horrendous
cat? It was nothing but a nuisance.”
“All
the more reason for you to want to kidnap it, not so?” Relena asked angrily.
“No,
dear sister,” Dorothy said softly as she began to play the Gundam Wing theme on
the magnificent instrument. “Why don’t you ask Lady Hilde? Your other twin
sister?”
“But
Lady Hilde is blind!” Relena exclaimed.
/Hilde:
Since when??/
/Author:
Since right now. So go act blind./
/Hilde:
* grumbles* this sucks./
A
woman stepped in from the patio. She was petite, beautiful and dressed in very
much the same manner as Relena and Dorothy. Her eyes were closed as she tapped
her walking stick on the floor gently. “What is it, dear sister? Did someone
call my name?”
“What
did you do to Princess?” Relena asked curtly.
/Quatre:
Uuumm…is it just me or is Relena turning out to be the detective here? /
/Heero:…/
/Relena:
Finally! I get more airtime around this place./
Lady
Hilde looked shocked at the vehement accusation. Her hands flew to her chest as
tears began to fall from her closed eyelids. “How…how dare you think I would do
such a thing to a cat I have never even seen before! Oh, I hate you, dear
sister!”
And
with a loud cry, she ran out from the room…
(Quite
remarkable considering that she was supposed to be blind.)
Hilde:
/Is that all? Is that all the scene I get?/
Relena:
/Be lucky you even got into this skit in the first place./
Detective
Heero rubbed a hand against his forehead. He was beginning to get a headache,
while the Doctor was faring no better as trying to keep up with the
melodramatics of the room was becoming quite a chore.
“So
what does this mean, Detective?” Maxwell asked warily.
“It
means that he has failed to do his job,” Professor Zechs replied smoothly as he
pushed himself away from the wall he had been leaning against to walk towards
the younger man. “Perhaps you should…retire,” he added with a smirk.
“Now,
now, there is no need for hostility in here,” Inspector Quatre interrupted with
a warm smile. “But Professor Zechs is right, detective. If no one here is
guilty…then who is the real kidnapper?”
Detective
Heero Yuy closed his eyes and remained as still as death for a good ten
minutes.
/Duo:
That’s a lot of thinking./
/Trowa:
* is about ready to call it a day*/
/Wufei:
* wonders if guns are allowed in this play so as to get rid of the clinging
girl on his arm*/
Finally,
the Detective opened up his eyes and pinned a piercing gaze on his silent
audience before speaking up carefully and concisely.
“It
is true that you all had one motive or another to get rid of Princess. After
all, it was an annoying piece of shi…”
/BEEEP!/
/Heero:
What was that for?/
/This
is a family show, Heero. Last warning or Wufei takes your role./
/Wufei:
Really? *looks hopeful */
/Heero:
Dream on, prince./
“First,
Prince Wufei. You were angry at not getting the cat, which is why you pretended
to want to visit Lady Relena for friendly purposes. I am sure you would have
stolen the cat either way, but it wasn’t the right time for you…and besides you
got cold feet after Relena showed you how to…”
“Heheh…I
don’t think we need to go into that, Detective, do we?” Relena interrupted
nervously as she shared a quick glance with the Prince. She idly wondered HOW
the man had known.
The
detective shrugged. “And then there are Lady Dorothy and Hilde, who hated the
cat because it was just plain annoying and coughed up a lot of hairballs around
the house. Hilde had, of course, thought the cat was a new fur coat and had
once tried to hang it around her neck, but that’s beside the point. They had no
guts to steal the cat.” He turned to face his archenemy. “You…I know you had
nothing to do with it, but I don’t really like you, so I am suspecting you
anyway.”
/Duo:
Damn…that was petty, dude. *snickers */
/Heero:
*shrugs */
“Which
leaves us down to two people. Since it can’t be us.” He pointed to himself and
Duo. “I hereby present to you the real kidnapper of the cat.”
Another
pregnant silence fell, as everyone seemed to lean in closer and closer and…
“Ouch!”
“You
okay, Relena…I mean Lady Relena?” Quatre asked as he moved quickly to help the
girl back upright – since she had fallen off her chair.
“So…who
is it?!” Hilde asked. (Her eyes were now back to normal. The miracles of modern
science.)
The
detective relished the anticipation for several more seconds before pointing
squarely at Inspector Trowa. “You, sir, are the kidnapper of Princess Persia!
Confess or face my wrath!”
“Uuumm…Heero?”
“What
is it now, Maxwell?”
“I…uh…think
you should keep the gun away now…seriously.”
“Oh…sorry.”
Relena
gasped in shock and surprise and then stomped her feet. “Is this true,
Inspector? Did you steal my cat?!”
The
handsome officer took off his top hat and gave a small smirk of wicked intent.
“Of course it was I, Lady Relena.”
“But…but,
why? I thought…you used to bring him food everyday!”
Inspector
Quatre passed out in shock. Zechs offered CPR to revive him, but was quickly
booted off the scene by a certain doctor.
“Why,
Inspector, why?” Relena cried out dramatically.
“I’ll
tell you why,” the thief announced coldly. “It was because I wanted to add it
to my pet collection. One of the rarest cats in the world was at my disposal
and I had to do anything and everything to get it.”
“Why
didn’t you just ask?” Relena asked with a pout. “I would have lent him to you
for a while. Besides…I was getting a bit tired of the damn cat. He was
beginning to get too lazy. But how did you know, Detective?” She asked in
bemusement.
“It
was easy, my Lady,” the detective replied with a grin. “Inspector Trowa came to
my house last week and left quite an impression on my armchair.”
…
No
one got it.
Dr.
Maxwell cleared his throat and explained quietly. “You see, Heero keeps his arm
chair spotless and if anyone or anything sits or lies on it, he would know
straightaway. So, on the day Inspector Trowa lay on the couch, he had left tiny
pieces of cat hair behind…”
“And
after inspecting it carefully with my trusty magnifying glass, I was able to
detect the hair, make, smell and the exact location of said cat,” the Detective
finished with a flourish.
Everyone
‘oohed’ in awe.
“So,
where is the cat now?” Prince Wufei asked.
A
loud meow was heard as the door opened up. Mrs. Une held the chubby cat in her
arms and she wasn’t looking very pleased.
Relena
squealed in delight. “Princess!” She gathered the feline within her arms and
then ran over to place a soft…no…a hard…no…a lingering…
/Duo:
Okay, cut that out…now!/
…kiss
no Heero’s lips. “Oh, thank you, Detective Heero,” she breathed huskily. “You
are such a smart, brilliant, sexy…”
The
doctor growled and stepped between them. “I think he knows exactly what he is,
Lady Relena. Is this play over yet?”
Dorothy
rose to her feet and clapped her hands sharply. The room, which had once been a
Victorian living room was now a…sixties dance club?!
/Authors:
What the…?/
/Dorothy:
I get to write the next story and this time we are doing another time wrap –
Austin Powers style./
/Wufei:
Oh, God no. *groans and tries to slink away */
/Dorothy:
*already making list of characters as everyone begins to flee the scene */
/Curtains
close and we are now left with only Detective Yuy and Dr. Maxwell. /
“Well
that was definitely an interesting case, wouldn’t you say, Maxwell?”
“Very
much so, Heero. Your deductive skills as usual are quite amazing.”
The
detective smirked. “But it is nothing compared to your other skill…”
“Shssh…they
don’t need to know that!”
/Man,
trust you two to ruin a perfectly good ending with your raging hormones./
/Duo:
But I didn’t say anything! Heero just had to bring in…/
/Heero:
Bring in what? *trying to look innocent */
And
so we leave our two detectives and authors to continue their argument as we
exit the wonderful world of 221b Baker street and hopefully not into an Austin
Power’s induced omake.
Thank
you all for being a wonderful audience!
~Owari~
Cast
of Characters:
Sherlock
Holmes – Heero Yuy
Dr.
James Watson – Duo Maxwell
Mrs.
Hudson – Lady Une
Professor
Moriarty – Zechs Merquise
Inspectors
– Quatre Winner and Trowa Barton
The
Rich People/Suspects – Relena Peacecraft
Hilde Schbeiker
Dorothy Catalonia
Wufei Chang