Warnings: Language, angst
_________________
He hasn't stopped knocking on my door even though I've told him to go away a
million times already.
"We need to talk," he says. "Come on, bro. Please let me
in."
I groan and cover my head with the pillow, unwilling to listen to that cajoling
voice as it calls to me. My body still trembles from what I have just seen, my
mind refusing to make sense of the jumbled images which continue to run in an
endless loop.
If only I hadn't left school early perhaps I would have been spared the agony
of witnessing such an event. I'm not sure what's worse - actually seeing them
or knowing that they had been using that couch in our living room as a
place for their activities. What would mom say if she found out about
that? What would mom and dad say if they found out about...him?!
"Please open the door," he's saying, and I detect the slight
desperation in his tone. "Won't you hear me out at least? Come on, Jakey.
You're the only one I can trust now. I'm...I'm scared alright and I need to
talk to someone. Please Jakey...wanna hear me out now?"
I sit up slowly, staring at the door as if hoping the incessant knocking will
stop and he'd just go away. But how can I ignore him? How can I say 'no' to a
guy who's been my role model growing up? Hell, I still want to be like him when
I get older. He's always been the cool one - a great soccer player with tons of
awards to his credit. He's smart and gets good grades. He has tons of friends who
love to hang out with him and yet he always makes time for me – his ‘annoying’
little brother. He never gets too mad with me even when I know I'm being a pain
in the ass and he’s always helped me out of troubles I have gotten into. He
sticks up for me most of the time and makes me look so much cooler than I
really am in front of my friends.
So why? Why did he have to go and do something like
this to ruin that image?
"Jakey?"
I scrub my eyes quickly and take a deep breath. I can't ignore him forever and
I'm sure he'll find a way to get into my room anyway.
"It's open," I mutter and promptly lay back on my bed, reaching for
some comic beside me to feign interest in. I hear him make his way in, my heart
pounding loudly within my chest as the door closes behind him. Suddenly, I feel
afraid even though I know it's silly to feel that way. I can feel his gaze on
me and my cheeks burn behind the shield of the comic book, wondering what he
sees and what he plans to do now.
"Must be really interesting," he says, the mattress dipping beneath
his weight as he sits at the foot of the bed.
"Yes, it is." I'm ashamed to hear my trembling high-pitched voice. I
sound like a frightened twelve-year old!
"...since you're reading it upside down."
Blushing to the roots of my hair, I turn the comic book the right side up and
force myself to continue, only to yelp a little as he takes it away from me. I
sit up quickly, hands outstretched in near desperation.
"Give it back, Jared! I was reading that...!"
"We have to talk, right?" he says with a small smile, those blue eyes
of his filled with an emotion I can't quite explain. "I know you're
confused..."
"Like hell I'm confused!" I suddenly yell back, unable to stop myself
even if I tried. My eyes are burning again and I swear if I start crying, it's
going to be the most embarrassing moment of my life. "Why, Jared? Huh?
Why?! I thought you were into...that you liked...what about Amy, huh?! Don't
you like her anymore? Did she do something to make you...change?"
"Jakey..."
"I don't get it! I don't get it at all! You're not supposed to be like
that, Jared! You're supposed to be perfect!" Damn, the tears won't stop. "How could you do something like that, huh?! Why did you have to go fuck everything up?!"
"Jakey...please..."
"Don't touch me!" I scream, scrambling away from him and suddenly
wishing I hadn't. The pained look in his eyes is like a dagger being thrust
into my heart. But I can't help it. I just can't. To think he'd touch me with
those hands...those hands which he used on that bastard! I can't deal with it!
"I'm sorry," he finally mutters as he lowers his hands and clenches
them into tight fists. "But I don't want you running away from me, Jakey.
It's still me. I haven't changed at all. Just because I...you saw..."
"How long? How long have you been hiding
it?"
He lowers his head and then runs fingers through his hair - a thick mass of
raven locks which add to his charm and appeal. "It's been two months
now..."
I die a little inside. "Two...two months?" I
croak weakly. "You've been with that...for two months?!"
"Believe me when I say it just...happened, Jakey." He looks at me
again, his eyes pleading for my support and understanding. "It's not like
I've been hiding it for years and years and suddenly just came out with it,
but...”
“Mom will have a bird,” I mutter slowly. I feel dazed, disoriented…lost.
“I know but…”
“Dad will flip.”
“Jakey, I know that but…”
“All your friends…what will they think?”
“I don’t really care what they think. I don’t care what anyone thinks to be
honest.”
I lift my gaze to his, surprised to find him looking
determined and yet scared at the same time. “Jared…”
“I’m gonna tell mom and dad tonight,” he says, giving me a smile that looks
more like a grimace in my opinion. “I know they’re not gonna take it too well
but it’s a chance I’ll just have to take.”
“Don’t do it! Dad…Dad will kill you!”
“I can’t keep hiding it forever, Jakey,” he says quietly. “Living a lie is
going to be so much worse, believe me.”
“You can’t,” I whisper, my voice breaking as I lower my head in misery. “You
just can’t…”
“Yes, I can, Jakey and maybe one day you’ll come to understand my feelings
too.”
“No…”
Before I can stop him, he moves closer to me again. He wants to hug me but I
cringe and press myself against the headboard, shaking my head rapidly, seeing
those arms – arms that I had always thought strong and capable – now wrapped
around another man’s waist. I can’t let him touch me anymore. He’s tainted now.
He’s no longer the perfect older brother I’ve always thought he had been.
“Jakey…please…just for a second. I need you…”
“No! Go to him then!” I cry, pushing him away from me. “Go to him! Let him give
you all the hugs you need! Don’t touch me! Ever!”
I can’t look. I can’t look into that face that’s now filled with an incredibly
deep sadness. I can’t bear to listen to his harsh intake of breath, the choked
sob that escapes his lips as he pulls away from me. Suddenly I feel cold – a
deep bone-chilling cold that makes me shiver uncontrollably. I can hear him
rising to his feet just as the garage doors open to let in my parents’ car.
They are back and now the real test begins.
“I thought…” Jared begins in a voice that’s barely audible, but I can still
hear it and the words will continue to haunt me for as long as I live. “I
thought you of all people would understand me, Jakey.”
He leaves my room with a quiet click of the door behind him but I’m still wound
up like a wire, still shivering, my ears straining to listen to the
conversation that’s about to take place – if it does happen at all. I expect
he’ll wait till dinner to tell my parents the news and I try to force myself to
relax. Perhaps I can persuade him to change his mind by then, to make him see
that this is all just one big mistake. Am I being selfish in wanting my brother
all to myself? Perhaps. He’s the only one I’ve got and
I can’t bear to think that I’d lose him to another guy!
Realizing that the heavy sensation in the pit of my stomach is my urgent need
to pee, I begin to swing my legs off the bed, only to feel my balls shrivel in
fear as the first piercing scream is heard.
Mom!
It’s quickly followed by my father’s deep bellow of rage. Now voices are being
raised – my father’s and Jared’s (oh how similar they sound when angry) –
something being smashed, my mother’s harsh sobbing, some more bitter words
exchanged and then footsteps pounding up the stairs. I remain frozen on my bed,
my bladder nearly bursting with the urge to release its contents and yet I’m
too terrified to make a move. I don’t want to go out there. I don’t want to see
the bitter war that’s being raged over Jared’s decision. I stiffen as I hear
footsteps outside my door, my heart pounding fiercely, my palms sweaty, my
breathing become more constricted and painful by the second. But to my relief
they move on and the subsequent slam of Jared’s bedroom door tells me that he’s
locked himself in there.
I can breathe again but like the coward I am, I refuse to leave my bed. I’ll
just have to hold this in for as long as I can.
I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to think of anything. I just want to
forget this day had ever happened. Perhaps if I fall asleep and open my eyes
later, things will be back to normal. Jared will be straight again and we will
all hang out and have fun like we usually do. I crawl beneath my blanket and
cover myself from head to toe, trying my best to block out the incessant
pounding on Jared’s door.
My parents want to speak to him but like me, he’s doing his best to ignore them
as best as he can.
____________
When I eventually open my eyes, it’s dark outside. My
only source of light comes from the streetlamp outside my window and it only
causes my room to look like a mishmash of shadows and shapes. I sit up slowly
and rub my eyes, feel my stomach cramp up in pain and quickly scramble out of
bed to go to the bathroom.
The silence in the house is deafening, and as I take a quick peek out my door
and down the hallway, there’s no sign of anything out of place. For a moment, I
entertain the thought of the events of the afternoon as being nothing but a
dream and feel a small smile of relief on my features as I make my way to the
bathroom and finally relieve myself.
As I wash my face and hands, I realize that perhaps falling asleep was the best
thing yet. I feel level-headed now and can think more clearly. I suddenly have
the urge to see Jared tonight and even though I know how much he hates to be
bothered when asleep, I just want to sit and talk with him, to be sure that he
hasn’t actually ‘changed’ his ways. He’ll probably tell me it’s all just one
big joke and he was just messing around with us.
I walk silently down the hallway, my bare feet noiseless on the carpeted floor.
I stop before his door and hold my breath, licking my suddenly dry lips and forcing
moisture into my parched throat. What if he doesn’t want to speak to me? What
if he hates me now for pushing him away earlier?
No, no, no! It was all a dream, right? A joke! And besides, Jared won’t…he
couldn’t ignore me forever, could he?
I press my ear against the door, perhaps hoping to hear the familiar low
humming sound of his computer or some song playing on his radio, although it
would be at its lowest volume, or that familiar snore of his. But the longer I
listen, the more uneasy I begin to feel. There’s an unusual silence in the room
and it’s beginning to worry me a lot.
“Jared?” I whisper against the solid wood of his door. “Jared? Are you in
there? Are you awake? Jared?”
Even as I speak, my fingers are tightening around the doorknob and twisting
slowly, aware that not knocking is bound to get me a good scolding or a cuff to
the head…IF he’s still in there that is.
Of course he’s in there! Where the hell would he go?!
“Jared…?” The door opens slowly (a part of me wishes it would have been locked)
and I hold my breath, waiting for him to pounce out of the shadows or to lift
his head from the pillows to tell me to ‘get the fuck out of his room!’ But
tonight, there is nothing – nothing besides the cold draft from his open
window…
(First warning bell goes off in my head. Jared HATES sleeping with his window
open)
…his neat bed…
(Second warning bell…for all his achievements, Jared is not exactly the neatest
guy in the world)
…his shut-down computer and a silent radio. I stand like a zombie in the middle
of the room, my mouth becoming drier by the second, my heartbeat racing faster
and pounding harder, my eyes burning, stinging with the tears which are bound
to fall soon.
No! No, it can’t be!
I run to his bed and pull off the blankets and pillows. He’s got to be hiding
in here somewhere! He’s fucking with me that’s what!
He thinks he can pull this stunt and get away with it, but he’s joking! He’s
got to be joking! My breathing harsh and rapid, I fall to my knees and search
beneath the bed.
No Jared.
I dash to his closet and open it, my eyes scanning the rows of shirts and
pants. I can see a few clothes have been taken out of it and looking at the top
shelf, that black carry all bag of his is no longer there either.
No! He’s just fucking with me! He’s got to be!
I run to the window and stick my head out, the cold night air like a thousand
icy needles against my fevered skin. I look down and notice the crushed bed of
flowers – flowers that were my mother’s pride and joy. The broken stems and
leaves are an obvious blow to her creativity and hard work, a sign that things
have really come to a painful end.
No…oh God no!
I slide to the floor, a low miserable moan of suffering escaping my lips as I
curl up in a fetal position and squeeze my eyes shut. He’s gone. I know that
now. It would be stupid and childish of me to assume that he’s somewhere else
in the house, in the basement perhaps, hiding away and licking his wounds. But
I know better. I know that when Jared Sawyer sets his mind to something he
sticks with it and damn the consequences.
But what about me, huh? What do I do now?
What can I do without you?
Without Jared, I’ll become invisible. I’ve always basked in his glow,
content to follow his shadow and to walk in his footsteps for as long as he’d
let me. He was my shield, someone I could always rely on when things didn’t go
my way. Without him, I’ll become a husk, an empty shell of my former self. I’ll
become a nobody again – going to school and not
recognized as ‘Jared’s kid brother’ anymore since there’s no Jared to be
compared to now. My parents will go through the motions of taking care of me
but they won’t care as much. Oh, they love me just enough but they’ve always
loved Jared more in my opinion. With him gone, I know my life is going to be a
living hell. This house will no longer be the same and I know that deep down
inside, I’ll always blame myself for it.
“You couldn’t even say goodbye, you jerk,” I whisper in the silence, needing to
muster some anger at him for what he’s done but even that seems like a weak
excuse to me for I have the feeling that he did come to see me one last time.
But it was a dream – the door to my room being opened quietly, his shadow
lurking as he watches me for a long time, his hesitation as if wondering if he
ought to come in or not – an inner struggle with himself, before he shakes his
head slowly and closes the door again. Yes, it had been a part of my dream.
On my hands and knees, still crying silently, I crawl into his bed and pull the
blankets around me, inhaling his scent while wishing and praying to God that
he’d return soon. When he does, I’ll ask him to forgive me for my actions
today. I’ll let him hug me for as long as he wants. I’ll let him talk for hours
and I’ll never interrupt and call him boring. I’ll even let him steal some of
my comic books – as many of them as he wants. I’ll let him call me a dork or
jackass whenever I piss him off. I promise not to tattle on him when he steals
an extra piece of mom’s cake. I’ll help him wash his car when he’s dead tired
after school. I’ll go see him at his job at the supermarket and keep him
company if he wants. I’ll let him beat me at the combat video game he so sucks
at. I’ll continue to play any sport he wants, even though he makes me look like
a wimp most of the time.
I’ll let –
I’ll let him –
I’ll let him be a big brother to me again.
I’ll become the best little brother he’s ever had.
I’ll finally tell him how much I really, really do love him, and that even
though it’s going to take a while to get used to, I just might be able to come
to terms with his choice in partners.
I’ll do that and so much more,
If only, if only dear God, if only you bring him back home, safe and sound to
me.