Pairing:
Okita/Tetsu
Rating:
PG-13
Warning:
Angst, angst and more angst. Spoilers for both anime and manga and for those
who do not know the history of Shinsengumi… yet. Don’t worry, you aren’t
alienated too much ^_~
Disclaimers:
All characters are owned by the good people at GONZO. I make no money off them.
Author’s
Notes: First PMK fic and it turns out to be this way -_-
It had started out as a happy thing, but what can I tell you? After reading
what happens to my beloved character, the happiness factor flew right out the
window. ‘Shades’ was supposed to be a tribute to Okita through Tetsu’s
eyes/POV. I am not sure if I managed to pull that off, but hopefully, I did.
Feedback?:
Very much appreciated and welcomed! ^^
Shades
of Lavender:
Hmm…let’s
see now. It’s been almost a year since I joined the ‘feared’ Shinsengumi and four
months since I became an official soldier.
I
still can’t believe that I have finally gotten my swords and uniform. I know I
should probably thank Kondou-san for talking some sense into Hijikata-san…or
maybe I should thank Susumu for waking me up and making me realize that hiding
away from my fears wouldn’t cut it. Geez, for a guy who’s supposed to be
‘silent’ in his duties as a shinobi, he can be quite feisty when he chooses to
be. Or maybe I really ought to thank Yamanami-san for talking to me too. He had
seemed so…different then – more quiet
and thoughtful – still is though. I am not really sure of what’s going on
between he and Hijikata-san, but it seems like there’s a tension in the air
that is quite unnerving.
“Buhi!!”
“Ah,
Saizou!” I fall to my knees to eye the angry-looking pig before me. I have been
so lost in my thoughts that I have forgotten what I came out here for. I hold
out the bowl of mush and place it before him. “Here you go. Sorry for not
giving it to you earlier.”
“Buhi!
Buhi!”
In
other words, I’m a lousy no good page, ne, Saizou? Oh, wait a second! I am no
longer a page…sort of. Sure, I still give Hijikata-san his tea and run his
errands…and wash the uniforms and sweep the yard…
Ah…well,
I guess I am still a page then…only this time I have my own uniform and my own
swords! How do you like that, Saizou?
“Buhi?”
I
pat his head gently with a warm smile. “It’s okay, you don’t have to understand
anyway…”
But
all I get in return is a light snort as it continues to feast on its meal. With
a chuckle I get to my feet and stretch my aching muscles. Susumu was right when
he said that I had grown a few inches taller. I would no longer be teased too
much about my height from now on. It’s going to be my sixteenth birthday in a
week and needless to say, I am more than excited about it. I don’t know what my
brother, Tatsu, has planned for me. But, he’s been acting so secretive lately;
I hope it’s going to be something good. I also know that the others would do
something for me too; after all, I was their beloved puppy-kun.
Chuckling
and humming softly to myself, I lift up the neatly arranged pile of bokken,
almost twice my size mind you, and begin to make my way towards the dojo. Once
that is done, I will have to wash the floors and then see if Hijikata-san wants
to have anything done for him today. After that, I am pretty much free to do as
I please.
Ah,
but it’s turning out to be another beautiful morning here in
If
only Tatsu would let me…
My
skin prickles with awareness as my feet slowly approach the dojo. I stop and
close my eyes, my arms tightening around the heavy wooden sticks as I allow my
ears to take over for me.
Whoosh! Whoosh!
Steady.
Rhythmic. Powerful.
Each
descent of that stick – which is considerably heavier than a bokken – cuts through the air like a
knife. It is punctuated by the sound of his breathing. It’s a bit harsher than
normal but it’s only due to exertion and growing fatigue.
One thousand, one hundred
and nineteen…
One’s
arms can only take so much. But not him…never him.
I
open up my eyes and drop the bokken
to the ground as carefully as I can, my heart beginning that fierce pounding
that has me thinking I might have run a marathon without knowing it. I can feel
my hands get clammy with sweat and I swallow tightly as I finally take a peek
at the culprit from my hiding place.
Like
Hijikata-san, he practices alone – in secret – away from everyone else. I guess
it must be hard knowing that you are the strongest person on the grounds and
that no one is willing to practice with you for fear of his life. As usual, he
is dressed in his white and blue yukata, his long lavender locks in its
familiar ponytail as it weaves back and forth in the gentle breeze behind him.
From my vantage point, his back is turned to me, but I can see the sweat that
has now caused his uniform to stick to his skin. I cannot see his face, but I
can only imagine the concentration upon it. Those warm, friendly and kind
violet depths, that can turn deadly in an instant, would probably be narrowed
in an effort to focus on the task at hand.
I
clench my hands into fists and lower my lashes as memories of that night at the
Ikeda-ya Inn come rushing back to me. I had almost lost him then…lost him to
the hands of that homicidal maniac Yoshida. The horror, pain and anguish at not
being able to do anything for him had almost driven me insane with grief. He
had almost died and yet he had told me never to kill. I had made a promise to
him after all and I knew I wouldn’t have hesitated to break it there and then.
But, he had stopped me – had made me think of what I was about to do.
“Okita…san…”
I whispered softly, unaware of the longing in my voice. “Why…?”
My
eyes widen as I watch him drop the bokken
to the ground. He hunches over and begins to launch into a series of
gut-wrenching coughs that have me panicking in concern and worry. I open up my
mouth to call out to him, but decide not to as he steadies himself against a
tree and tries to catch his breath. Something red drops to the floor and my
eyes widen in disbelief as I realize that its blood. Has he cut himself? Has he
been practicing so hard that he bruised his hands?! That would be the only
logical explanation. And without thinking twice about it, I run back towards
the well to fetch a pail of water. I tear off the piece of cloth around my neck
and dip it into the cool liquid. Feeling as if my lungs would burst from
exertion, I run back to meet him, but falter as I realize he’s no longer there.
“Okita…san…”
I whisper softly.
“Ah,
Tetsu-kun, were you looking for me?”
I
spin around quickly at the familiar sing-song voice that never ceased to bring
a smile to my face. He’s smiling himself and I notice that he’s not changed
from his practice uniform yet. I take a quick look-over, wondering if I would
see anything that would give away the blood I had seen. But to my chagrin,
there is not a spot of red anywhere. Had I imagined the whole thing after all?
“Is
there something wrong, Tetsu-kun? You look so serious.”
I
lift my gaze to meet his concerned violet ones and I can feel my cheeks flush
with color. Just keeping thinking of him
as a big brother and you’ll be just fine, Tetsunosuke! I chide myself
inwardly as I hold out the wet cloth to him.
“I
just thought you might need this to cool yourself down…”
“Ah!”
He claps his hands in delight as if I have given him the greatest gift in the
world. “Thank you, Tetsu-kun! I needed that.” He accepts it from me and wipes
his face gently with a soft sigh of relief. “Ah, I must have worked myself too
hard today. I need to relax a bit more, don’t you think, Tetsu-kun?”
What
can I say? What could I say to such a thing? I finally nod softly and lower my
gaze to the ground again. “Ah…”
“Oh,
I know,” he interrupts with a grin. “Why don’t you take a walk with me? I’m
sure Hijikata-san won’t mind if you come with me.”
I
feel a familiar low coil of jealousy at the statement. It is true that Okita
and Hijikata-san were close…too close if you ask me. The demon commander could
never refuse his violet-eyed ‘little brother’ anything and for some reason it
annoys me to no end. If Okita said he wanted to buy an entire candy shop, I was
sure Hijikata would have gladly done so for him.
“Teeetsuuuu-kun?”
I
start and turn a bright red as I notice that his face is now inches from mine.
He is looking at me as if I am sick and to make things worse, he places a hand
against my forehead.
“Hmmm…you
don’t have a fever…”
Yes, I do! I shout inwardly as I
stagger backwards weakly. I can’t stay any closer to him or he’s bound to know
that my brotherly feelings have taken a gradual but sharp turn into something I
am still confused about. And the sad thing is that I have no one to talk to
about it. Trying to tell Tatsu-nii about it was going to be like walking on hot
coals. I could just imagine my brother crying, hugging and trying to deter me
from my wayward thoughts. I couldn’t talk to Heisuke, or Shinpanchi-san or even
Sano – they would only laugh at me and decide that I have finally gone off the
deep end. Susumu? He might be more friendly now, but it still didn’t stop him
from giving me that look of disdain that always grates my nerves. Perhaps Saya?
But she would think I was crazy too and not talk to me anymore. Kondou-san? No
way. Yamanami-san? Bleh. Saitou-san? I might as well have a discussion with
dead ghosts and spirits.
I
sigh softly in defeat. It’s at times like these that I wish Ayu-nee was still
alive. She might have been the only one to help me out of my predicament.
And
what is this predicament you might be asking? Well, it’s simple really. I am
beginning to like Okita-san in ways that are quite disturbing…especially to me.
Once upon a time, I would have played happily with he and Saizou, not really
thinking much about our moments together. But after that incident at the
I
couldn’t be without Okita Souji.
Just
the very thought of losing him was enough to make me physically ill these days.
If he went on patrol, I would find myself almost always standing by the gates
awaiting his return. My dearest wish was to someday patrol with him, but I
wasn’t in the first company and I had a feeling that Hijikata-san would have my
head if I dared ask for a promotion.
“You’re
no fun today, Tetsu-kun,” he says with a light pout as he reaches up to pull
away the ribbon from his hair. Like waves, his long purple locks cascade down
his shoulders and back, causing me to bite back a groan as the urge to run my
fingers through them, becomes quite overwhelming.
“I’m
sorry…” I mumble softly as I reach for the bokken
to take them towards the dojo but a hand placed firmly on my arm, stops me in
my tracks. I glance at the lean fingers, knowing that those palms were not
quite as smooth as they seemed to be. They were calloused and bruised with
years of holding a sword. I cannot look at him in the face and I have the
feeling that he has realized my secret too.
“Please
walk with me, Tetsu,” he says softly. “I will be waiting for you by the gates.”
And
just like that, he is gone – leaving me with nothing but the lingering scent of
lavender in the late morning air.
But
I had come to a firm decision in my mind. I wasn’t going to ignore his request.
Just like he needed me, I needed him too.
And
like a maniac – and even Hijikata-san is mildly impressed - I speed through my duties
in the hopes that I can make it on time. Once the last head band is hung up to
dry, I race towards the gates with a warm and ready smile on my visage. I can
already see him standing there with Saizou within his arms. He is smiling –
that warm, wonderful smile that I have come to love seeing. It makes me feel
incredibly good inside and I want that feeling to last for as long as it can.
He
laughs as I finally catch up to him. Saizou looks upset at my presence, but I
don’t really care. I am with Okita Souji and that is all that matters to me.
Naturally,
we go candy shopping and like a professional, Okita is patient and kind enough
to show me all the best ones out there. We go to the temple where he meets up with
a few more children who are more than happy to see the lovable and playful
samurai. I even join in the fun and find myself making a few more friends.
By
the time we are through, evening has fallen and the streets are now lined with
either couples or young men and women having a good time. I place hands behind
my head and hum a popular tune, which he quickly picks up and sings along with
me. He really does have a great singing voice, too.
Somehow
during the course of our walk, we reach the port. I grin in pleasure as I
notice another large ship in the distance. Ryoma immediately comes to mind and
I wonder just where in the world he is now. Was he in that
“It’s
beautiful, isn’t it?”
I
start at the wistful tone of his voice and again I feel that low sense of panic
well within me. I wasn’t sure of why I was feeling this way, but it was still
there all the same. Finally, I manage to croak out weakly. “Ah…it is…”
He
smiles softly and sits down on the pier’s edge and I can only copy his actions
and sit beside him. He moves closer and I blush furiously, lowering my gaze to
the cool, sparkling waters below us as I swing my legs back and forth in an
attempt to ignore how much his proximity is affecting me. I congratulate myself
on not giving too much away today. Maybe I can keep this up and this weird
feeling will finally disappear.
“Would
you like to be on one of those ships, Tetsu-kun?” he asks me quietly and I lift
my gaze to stare at the object of our conversation with a soft sigh.
“Maybe…someday…just
out of curiosity though!” I add quickly. I had been on it once actually. Ryoma
had been nice enough to invite me to take a look at it.
Okita
chuckles at this and I feel even more stupid for sounding so desperate. “Ah, it
would be nice to go on a ship someday,” he says with a small nod and a warm
smile.
I
lean forward to look at him carefully. There is no denying that tone of
resignation in his voice and at this time, it is all I can do to keep myself
from shaking him. “We can both go together,” I say quickly and a bit rashly. “I’ll
save up enough money and…and I’ll take you with me.”
I
am blushing again as he now trains his gaze on me. “Really, Tetsu-kun?” he asks
softly as he hugs Saizou closer to his body. “That’s really nice of you. I
would really like that…you and I…someday…”
“Yeah,
yeah! You and I!” I almost cry out desperately, feeling a ridiculous sting of
tears forming now. I do not like the sadness in his voice. I hate to know that
this man who is capable of so much more can feel this sad over…over what?! I did not know, but I had the
feeling that he wasn’t telling me everything and that hurt more than anything
else in the world. “I don’t have enough money right now, but I’ll save enough
and then…and then…”
“We
are Shinsengumi, Tetsu-kun,” Okita interrupts softly. “Our duty is to
“But
change is good, isn’t it?!” I cry out desperately. My father had wanted change,
so it had to be a good thing, didn’t it? “We…we can’t continue to live in the
past…the dark…” I clutched my shirt tightly, feeling the first drops of hot
tears slide down my cheeks as my heart seemed to burn with a heat that would be
impossible to soothe. “Change…change is good, Okita-san…and I don’t care if you
wish to strike me down because of the way I think! I want…want…” I lift my gaze
to stare at his surprised visage in open defiance and conviction. “I want
peace, Okita-san! Like my father and Ryoma-san! I want to become a Peace Maker
too!”
I
wouldn’t have been surprised if he had taken a sword from somewhere to behead
me, but I was too far gone in my emotions to care.
“I
want what’s best for
And
before I can finish, I find myself enveloped in his embrace, my face pressed
tightly against his chest as I close my eyes and finally give in to the
heart-wrenching sobs that wrack through my body. I hold on tightly to his yukata, feeling the smooth skin of his
chest and his cloth against my wet cheeks as I press even closer to him. He
smells like lavender - a soothing, calming scent that fills my senses and helps
to ease the misery and confusion in my aching heart.
“We
all want peace, Tetsu-kun,” he begins softly. I can feel his chin resting
gently upon my head and I close my eyes allowing his voice to drift over me. “I
long for nothing more than a time when I can wake up in the morning and not
have to worry over getting rid of traitors or petty thieves and criminals. I
want to go back to my days at the Shieikan, where all that mattered to me was
learning great sword skills from Kondou-san.” His voice became even softer as
he tightened his arms around me. “I wish…more than anything in the world for
you to have a happy life, Tetsu-kun. You have suffered so much and you deserve
nothing better. Life is too short and too precious to waste it on trivial
matters such as these. If your heart wishes to leave for the sea like your
father and Ryoma-san, then so be it. Don’t…never lose yourself, Tetsu-kun. No
matter what happens…keep your promise. Will you do that for me, Tetsu-kun?”
I
nod weakly against his chest and allow him to push me gently until my head
rests upon his lap. He begins to brush my hair gently and I can only moan softly
in pleasure at how good his fingers feel against my skin. He begins to hum a
lullaby and I almost laugh at how motherly he sounds and acts. I close my eyes
and ignore Saizou’s jealous squeals as he walks around his master and I.
“Okita-san?”
I finally call softly as my eyelids begin to grow heavy with weariness.
“What
is it, Tetsu-kun?”
I
can blame it all on sleep. I can have him think that I am just saying it out of
the moment. He doesn’t have to believe me, but just to let him know…that is the
most important thing right now.
“Okita-san…I…I…”
He
encourages me to continue with another tender brush of his fingers against my
temples. I swallow tightly and fight down the butterflies in my stomach. It is
now or never and I have to brace myself for the laughter that is bound to occur.
“I…I
love you, Okita-san.”
The
low sounds of the small waves crashing against the pier walls fill the silence
that has fallen between us. His fingers falter for a moment but then resume its
steady strokes as I sense him smile above me.
For
a long moment, I am not sure if I will ever get a reply and I tell myself that
I will probably get nothing in return, but to my surprise and immense pleasure…
“Thank
you, Tetsu-kun,” he finally replies quietly. “Thank you…for everything…”
__
He
never said he loved me in return and I did tell myself that I had to be
prepared for that. But, in a way, I think I am glad he didn’t say he felt the
same way about me or it was bound to make things even more awkward between us.
The
Boshin War is over now and he still practices with me from time to time, but
they are becoming more infrequent and I rarely get to see him in the dojo or
wandering the grounds. He tends to remain in his room for long hours on end -
always with Hijikata-san by his side. His
coughing has gotten so bad that I sometimes sit outside his room at night just
listening to him, knowing I cannot go in because Hijikata-san won’t let me.
I
have been promoted to the Second Troop now and at nineteen years old; it’s not
too bad of a rank to be in. I have worked hard to get to this point and I
wasn’t going to let go until I was promoted to Okita-san’s company. All I
longed to do was to march with him on the streets of
“Buhi?”
“Ohayo,
Saizou,” I greet with a smile as I approach the pigpen. Well, it really isn’t
Saizou anymore but rather one of his offspring. Just as petulant as his father
had been, this Saizou was just as loveable. I reach down to pick him up from
the pen, noticing that he isn’t as active as he usually tends to be. There is a
listless air about him and a sort of overall melancholy feel to the
surroundings.
I
cradle him gently within my arms and make my way back to the main grounds; only
to blink in surprise as I notice Hijikata-san, Kondou-san and Okita-san making
their way out of the gates all dressed in clothes that showed that they were
going to be traveling for quite some time.
Where
were they going to? Why hadn’t anyone told me about this?!
“Okita-san?!”
I cry out desperately as I begin to run after them. But my path is blocked by a
scowling Sano and I growl out in fury. “Get out of my way, Sano-san!” I try to
push him to the side, but he is still as strong as ever as he places hands on
my shoulders to keep me back.
“No,
Tetsu-kun. Let them go…”
“Where
are they going to?!”
I
notice he and Shinpachi-san exchange quick but meaningful looks and I can feel
another rise of panic fill my being.
“Where
are they going to?!” I scream out again, not caring that my actions are now
causing most of the soldiers to make their way towards us.
“To
“Oh…is
that all?” I almost laugh at my unnecessary tantrum but instead I give a sigh
of relief. “It’s just to
Sano
nods softly with an attempt at a smile and I am too naïve to notice the sadness
within his gaze. I am too happy to know that Okita-san has not left me.
“Hai…he’ll
be back soon,” he tells me and I nod in agreement, reaching down to pick up
Saizou again.
Everything
was going to be alright after all. They had just gone for a trip and he would
be back soon to tell me all about it.
Okita
had given me a small but warm smile when I had screamed his name earlier. I had
noticed it even though Hijikata and Kondou-san had tried to block him from
view. It is a smile that will always remain with me as I sit out here awaiting
his return.
I will work harder,
Okita-san. I will train everyday until I am promoted to your troop and then my
dream of finally becoming a Peace Maker will come true. One day, Okita-san…I
will take you away from here…to the freedom that you really want and deserve.
Just
you and I together…always…
~The End~