Chapter 57:

Eleanor’s Farewell

“How does my hair look, baby?”

“It looks great, Mom.”

“But you’re not even looking at it!”

A quick glance, and back to the video game. “It looks great, Mom. Really. All shiny and…shit! Lost again!”

“That’s what you get for not paying attention to me.”

She could be such a baby sometimes.

“Do you think this dress makes me look fat?”

“Why are you asking me?”

“Because you’re the only one here…and I need to know it from a man’s perspective. So tell me…how do I look?”

She twirls around like a little girl, eyes glowing with mirth and delight. She has a date tonight with Saito and has dragged her boy to go shopping for something suitable. “Duoooo?” she whines and tugs his sleeve like a petulant child.

“Mom, you look beautiful. What do you want from me?”

She claps her hands in glee and plants a big wet kiss on his cheek to his embarrassment. He wipes his face quickly, flushing as the other customers smile at them. She ends up buying something completely different.

“I don’t know,” she muses one day, chewing thoughtfully on her pen. “Do you think traveling around the world for our honeymoon would be a good idea?”

He’s too focused on his schoolwork to pay much attention to her mumble. “Sounds great,” he replies absently.

“I wish you’d stay with me for a whole week or something,” she complains with a pout. “Heero gets to see so much more of you.”

“I live there, Mom.”

“Yes, but…”

“I spent last weekend with you, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but…”

“I see you or rather speak to you on the phone almost every other day, don’t I?”

“It’s not the same.”

“How isn’t it the same?” He’s confused. She sighs and types a few more lines on her laptop.

“I just want to make up for lost time,” she finally confesses, looking even younger than her age. Suddenly, he can see the teenage girl his father had fallen in love with and feels his heart stir with affection for her. On impulse, he leans across the table and places a soft kiss on her forehead.

“There’ll be plenty of time for us to catch up,” he says with a warm smile, looking so much like Daniel, that tears of pride and love fill her eyes. “We’ve got our whole lives, Mom. There’ll be plenty of time….”

“Promise?” she whispers almost fearfully, reaching out to hold his hands.

“I promise…”

__

I wake up with a small cry, clutching the blanket with hands that are still trembling. Cold sweat has made my skin damp and clammy and before I can lie back in bed, Heero is by my side with a look of concern on his features. I wonder what time it is and how long it’s been since I came back home.

“Are you okay?” he asks, falling to his knees beside the bed. He places a warm hand against my forehead and then against my neck.

The words form in my throat, but my vocal cords refuse to cooperate. I settle for nodding slowly, and he pushes me back gently to lie down again. He tucks the blanket around me with a weak smile on his lips. I want to apologize for making him so worried, but like I said, my damn voice seems to have vanished. I try to mime a question, wondering again how long I’ve been in here. Heero seems to understand or maybe that thing about couples developing telepathic abilities is true after all.

“It’s just been a day,” he says quietly, brushing away the bangs gently from my forehead. “I’ve told the others that you’re back, but,” he adds quickly as if noticing my eyes have widened in panic. I don’t feel like seeing anyone yet. “…they aren’t going to bother you for a while. They understand you need your space.”

“Are you hungry?” he asks, but I tap the space beside me gently, needing his warmth and company for now. He shakes his head gently as if dealing with a spoiled child and motions for me to scoot over. I lift the blankets to let him in and almost purr in content as he cuddles up to me and wraps his arms tight around my waist. We spoon for a long time, content to allow his warm breath to tickle my hair and the feel of his chest against my back. That’s just one of the many things I really love about Heero. He knows when to shut up and let me think, when to let me speak if I’m good and ready. I close my eyes and listen to his soft breathing, the light drizzle outside our window, trying hard to ignore my dark dreams and what cold reality waits for me outside the doors. I know I’ll have to eventually see Eleanor again, whether I want to or not. I’ll have to be responsible for what happens from here on out. I’m her only living relative – at least I believe I am. She never spoke of her parents (not even if I prodded her) and there was no mention of brothers and sisters. It seemed like she came out of nowhere, found my father and popped me out. I wonder if Harold knows anything about her…

“Duo,” Heero murmurs within my hair.

“Hmm…” My voice seems to be coming back a little.

“I love you.”

My throat tightens and I squeeze my eyes shut to stop the sudden rush of tears that spring to my eyes.

“Don’t leave me again…ever,” Heero continues in a raw voice that tells me he’s holding back his tears too. He hugs me tighter. “Never…you hear me?”

I nod and lift my hands to hold his, listening to him continue to whisper his love for me over and over again. I feel his tender kisses on my hair, the tip of my ear (making me shiver in pleasure), the back of my ear, the lobe, the nape of my neck, teasing, kissing…blowing gently…making me feel weak and yet so wanted, needed…aaaah. Finally, just when I think I can’t take it anymore, I finally break down and begin to talk.

“The church,” I croak in my unused voice. I’ve not spoken to anyone in almost two days.

He stops and listens.

“I walked around for hours…anywhere…nowhere…didn’t care where I went to. All I could hear was my last conversation with her, Heero. I was…was such a fucking bastard.”  Heero squeezes me in reassurance but says nothing allowing me to let it all out. “All she wanted to do was give me advice and what do I do? I throw it in her face. I hurt her so badly, Heero. I think I killed her. I know…I know I did.” I choke back a sob, no longer holding back the tears I wanted so much to contain. I thought I was all cried out, but apparently not.

“Duo…” Heero begins, but I shut him up with a firm shake of my head. I’m almost glad I can’t see his face. I feel so terrible…unclean.

“I look back now and realize how little I really paid attention to her. I mean…” I sniffle and open my eyes. “I was there, you know…in the same room and all, but I wasn’t there at the same time. I would answer her questions like she was bugging the hell out of me…or I didn’t want to be bothered. She said she wanted to make up for lost time…and I just said the words I felt needed to be heard, but did I really mean them? Huh? Did I, Heero?”

“I’m sure you did, Duo,” comes the soft reply. “She must have known that you cared for her in some way. But I won’t allow you to say you killed her, because you didn’t.”

“….you didn’t hear the conversation,” I mutter.

“It doesn’t matter, Duo. It’s not the first time you two have argued before, there might have been other factors.”

I shrug but sag back against Heero limply, too mentally tired to put up an argument. “I walked…walked…I don’t even know where my fucking bike is.” I laugh a little. “Whoever owns it now is one lucky bastard.”

“You walked to the church?” Heero prods when I fall silent for a while.

I nod slowly. “I finally came to my senses, wondered where the fuck I was…and then walked into a small church I noticed across the street. It wasn’t locked…churches hardly are, you know. There was only a sister praying at a pew…barely noticed me coming in. I sat at the back and just stared at the darn big ol’ crucifix in front of me. Beautiful stained glass windows though, lots of candles…beautiful…” My voice trails off as I remember the sense of calm that had fallen upon me the moment I walked into that quiet place. I don’t have much stock in religion, believe it or not, but growing up in orphanages, at least ones where there were Catholic nuns, forced me to believe in something – in a higher power that watched over all of us. I don’t think I’ve prayed in a long time. I wasn’t even sure if I could remember how to do it! But before I could stop myself, I was on my knees, hands clasped before me, and praying my heart out. I can’t even remember what I said, or if I spoke out loud, but I knew I was asking, begging for strength of some kind to continue, to keep away the dark clouds that were forcing me to do things that I would probably regret in the after-life. I prayed for the cold claws of fear and death to let me go and that I could find my way back home again.

“I must have dozed off after a while,” I whisper. “When I opened my eyes, I was flat out on the bench…and all alone. The sister had left and it was creepy having that statue staring at me. All of a sudden, I felt it was accusing me of being a liar, of not being worthy of being in the same building as He was and I ran out so fast, I nearly fell and cracked my skull down the steps leading out of the building. It was morning…afternoon…I don’t know. I didn’t care really, but….I wanted to come home.” I finally turn slowly in Heero’s arms, rest my forehead against his and stare into those beautiful blue eyes. “I missed you so much, Heero. I called you…thought I’d leave a message to let you know I was all right, but I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say.”

“You scared the shit out of me,” Heero replies with a quirk of his lips. “I thought you were about to commit suicide and had planned to leave a ‘note’ over the phone for me.”

I chuckle weakly. “I don’t think I have the balls to kill myself.”

“That’s what Dr. G said.”

I blink in confusion for a moment, but smile as Heero does the same. “Can’t believe you spoke to that asshole.”

“He’s all right…and so are you, Duo.” His smile vanishes and a look of certainty and stern determination replaces it. He reaches up to cup my cheeks in his hands, speaking slowly and firmly to me. “You did not kill, Eleanor and I’m sure she is not sitting in heaven twiddling her thumbs and praying for sweet revenge on you.”

“But…”

“Don’t you think your father is thrilled she’s with him now. They have a lot of catching up to do, don’t you think?”

That does it. I don’t know why, but Heero saying that has me burying my face against his chest and sobbing so hard, my head begins to hurt. It’s unfortunate. So fucking unfortunate they have to meet there. I’m sure they would have had so much more fun on earth if things had just been a little bit different.

__

Heero’s waiting for me when I come out of the morgue. It’s been two days since my return and I’ve finally gotten myself together enough to see my mother’s body. I was expecting something gory and disgusting for some reason, but she looked almost peaceful (blue and cold though), but you could have sworn she was only taking a nap.

“Cremated,” I decided there and then, remembering a conversation I had with her while we were in Europe over the summer.

‘I think I’d love to have my ashes spread all over the ocean,” she said as we were on some yacht of one of her rich buddy friends. ‘Isn’t it beautiful? Promise me you’ll throw my ashes over the ocean, Duo.’

‘Morbid much, Mom? We haven’t even had dinner yet.’

She smiled and leaned against the railings, her long hair waving in the breeze, looking so carefree and young, it made me smile reluctantly. ‘I’m one with Nature, Duo. So let me join them when all is said and done.’

“I’m already getting phone calls from folks about funeral arrangements,” I say with a shake of my head as I hug Heero gently.

“Your mom was quite popular,” Heero replies with a smile as we make our way towards the office where I have papers upon papers to sign. “Are you….” His voice trails off and I raise a brow to query about why he’s stopped when I notice who he’s looking at. Saito pushes himself away from the wall he has been leaning on and takes a hesitant step towards me. I stiffen unconsciously, a part of me still wary about the man who had wanted to marry my mother. Even though he’s proven not to be such a dickhead, I still can’t stop myself from being wary. However, Heero has told me of how diligent and distraught Saito had been, so I guess I’ll have to forgive him for his previous transgressions.

He clears his throat and looks uncomfortable. How can two guys talk or deal with grief for a woman they both cared for?

“Maybe I should leave you two alone,” Heero whispers into my ear. “I’ll be waiting outside.” He gives my hand a gentle squeeze, urges me (with his eyes) to give Saito a final chance and walks away with a polite nod to the older man. To be honest, I don’t want to be left alone with Saito, but what the hell can I do?

He clears his throat again and I resist the urge to ask him if he wants a cough drop. “I’m having her cremated,” I finally break the silence. “It’s what she wanted.”

He seems relieved that I’ve spoken first and nods. “I had a feeling she’d have wanted that. It’s…it’s a wise decision. She always loved nature.”

I frown a little, forcing myself to remember that they’ve shared intimate moments together and, of course, he’d know about such things. “Anyway, I want a small funeral for her. Nothing big…or grand. I know you two moved in very important social circles and all…”

“Consider it done. How small do you want it?”

“Preferably me, Heero…my friends….and you…and Kamui of course.”

“She has met my parents,” he says quietly. “Maybe they could come too…?”

Imagining Saito with parents is beyond me. “Fine, your parents then…and no one else. I want it as small as possible.”

“When and where…?”

“At the beach…in a week, if that’s okay?”

“Yes…”

“No reception afterwards.”

He blinks in surprise, opens his mouth to say something, but must have seen the determination in my eyes and he nods in agreement. “That’s fine, Duo. You’re the one in charge.”

And a good thing too, a part of me thinks. If they had actually gotten married, he’d be the one making all the plans since he’d legally have more authority over me.

I turn to walk away when he stops me with a call of my name.

“Yes?”

“I know you’re upset with me…still haven’t forgiven me for being with your mother…”

I sigh and turn to him again, forcing a small smile. “You loved her and that’s all that matters.” For the first time, I take a really good look at him and see just what Heero must have seen. Gone is that charismatic air that seems to surround him at all times. He looks tired and weary, aged in the space of a few days. And maybe it’s my imagination, but he looks like he’s lost a bit of weight.

Ah to hell with it.

I walk up to him and before I can talk myself out of it, I embrace him tightly, smiling at the gasp of surprise at my sudden gesture. Before he can gather himself, I pull away and pat his shoulder. “You’re all right,” I say with a smile and walk away, swallowing the stubborn lump in my throat because I was so darn sure I had seen my mother standing over his shoulder with a smile of gratitude on her ethereal features.

__

The next few days are a blur of activity for me. I have to take the week off school – there’s simply no way I can deal with classes and tie up whatever lose ends my mother left behind. There’s her condo to clear out for one thing. Since most of her belongings are already at Saito’s place, there isn’t much left to take away. Saito has offered to help me sort through her things, but I figure all the clothes and accessories would be good to give away to the Salvation Army or something.

I sit in the middle of the empty living room – the furniture has long been taken away – with only a box of a few of her personal items I have decided to keep for myself. There’s her rosary – now faded and brown with age – she’s had it since she was a little girl actually. There’s her small wallet of pictures – most are of her and Dad posing at the army base. I feel a bit sad that we have no real ‘family’ pictures. I would have killed for one…just one! image of my father and mother with me in the middle…looking like a normal family.

“Normal,” I say to no one in particular. “Since when has anything been normal for you, Duo Maxwell?”

There’s her favorite pearl necklace, which she said my dad had given to her. Her favorite watch – she hadn’t worn it on the day of the accident, and last but not least, a delicate lace handkerchief. She said it had been passed down from generations and that was just about all she had said about her family. Odd. But I decided to keep it all the same. Who knows? Maybe my future generation will like to have it as a memento.

I have to meet with her lawyers tomorrow – the Will reading and all of that. I sigh. More property and goods for me to have when I’m not even sure I need them.

“Here you go,” I toss the keys to the real estate agent that’s been waiting for me outside. “All yours now.”

She smiles sadly and then plants the ‘FOR SALE’ sign on the lawn. Damn, that feels so impersonal, but I can understand that she’s got a job to do and life has to go on.

“Again, I apologize for your loss, Mr. Maxwell,” she says, handing me the papers to sign. “I’m sure she’s in a much better place.”

“Yeah, probably.” I have to get out of here before she starts saying all those familiar lines of condolences that I’ve had to deal with the past few days. Phone calls from Harold and the gang all say the same thing and after a while, it gets annoying. Your responses become automatic and there’s simply no room for you to breathe.

Speaking of Harold, he and his father have insisted that they come to the funeral as well. They absolutely refuse to take no for an answer. So much for having a small affair.

The day turns out to be a beautiful one…and I wake up that morning feeling sick as a dog. I’m still hunched over the toilet as Heero watches me from the doorway, already dressed in his dark suit and tie.

“We can schedule this for another day, Duo,” he says with a light frown and I shake my head in refusal.

“I’m fine. Can deal with it.” I stagger to my feet and take a deep breath, try to smile at him. “How do I…oh God.” I feel the vomit rising to my throat again and I’m on my knees, retching almost nothing as my stomach muscles protest the violent workout it’s getting.

“Oh God,” I sob helplessly, hardly feeling Heero’s arms around me or his whispered words of comfort. “I can’t do it. I can’t, Heero. I just can’t.”

“Yes, you can. I’ll be there with you.”

“I’ll mess things up. I won’t know what to say. I can’t stand in front of all those people and just…just…” I gag again, snot and tears making my face look like hell. Heero, ever patient, wipes them away with a towel and forces me to my feet.

“Get a goddamn grip, Duo!” he finally yells in exasperation. “We should have been there almost half an hour ago! What do you think your Mom would do if she realized you were being such a goddamn wimp?”

“Fuck you, Heero,” I mutter weakly, wiping my nose as I try to muster anger. I know he’s trying to get me motivated and all but…”You didn’t lose your mother, so don’t talk to me that way.”

He smirks, quite unrepentant. “All I see is a sniveling baby before me. Cry, cry, cry, cry, cry…boo hoo, I’m hurt, my heart, my head, cry, cry, whine, whine, bitch, bitch…”

 

“ALL RIGHT!!” I roar and shove him out of the way. Damn. He can be such a pain sometimes…and yet I can’t help smiling a little. “Let’s go,” I finally say as I straighten out my tie and take a deep breath. “How do I look?”

“Like shit.”

“Perfect.”

__

The urn looks beautiful.

“….we come to you in shock and grief…and confusion of the heart…”

Who are all these people?

“…help us to find knowledge in the peace…”

I feel fucking sea sick.

“…of your loving mercy to all your children…”

Who hired this priest anyway? He sounds like he’s about croak in a minute himself!

“…and give us light…to guide us out of darkness…”

I can’t feel my fingers. Heero…you’re squeezing me too tight.

“…into the assurance of your love…”

Why are you crying? Who gave you the right to cry? You didn’t know her. None of you knew her, so why are you all pretending to give a shit now? When this is all over, you’ll go back to your busy lives and she’ll just become another part of your chitchat…in passing, huh? What do you know about her, huh?!

“…in Jesus Christ out Lord…”

“Amen.”

Heero nudges me and I turn to him in bemusement.

“It’s time,” he mutters from the corner of his mouth.

Oh yeah. Spreading the ashes. I pick up the urn with hands that feel numb and walk to the edge of the deck on legs that feel like they’re chained to a steel ball. I stare at the endless blue water below, watching the slow ebb and flow of the sea. Its white foamy surface kisses the side of the yacht each time and I can feel the gradual rise of the meager biscuit I had on the way here about to force its way out. The urn suddenly feels heavy and the silence around me is oppressive. Everyone is staring at me, waiting for me to throw out my mother as they pretend to give a shit. I suddenly want to scream at them to get the fuck out of the boat, to all drown and leave us alone. No one had cared for us before, so why should they now?

“It’s not fair,” I whisper, not even realizing I was speaking out loud. “Why the hell did you have to come back just to leave me again…all alone, goddamn it! I was doing fine without you…!”

“Duo,” Heero begins reaching out to touch me, but I shrug him aside and turn to face them. I don’t know what’s etched on my face whether it’s anger, sadness, shock or fear, but the gasps and a few women bursting into tears must have told the story.

“I’m not doing it!”

“Duo, you have to…”

“I’m not throwing her away!” I hug the urn to my body possessively.

“It’s what she wanted…”

“How would you know?!” I scream at Harold, who has been trying to pacify me. “Where do you get off telling me what the hell to do?!”

“Son,” the priest chimes in sadly. He must have seen this act many times before. “It is difficult to let go of the ones we love…”

“Oh, put a fucking lid on it, Father,” I snap irritably. “Why don’t you run along to your other Mass and leave us the fuck alone!”

“Duo!” someone gasps…sounds like Relena, but before I can train my fury on her, a sudden sound of a slap…and the subsequent burning sting of my cheek and the tears welling in my eyes has me turning to face Archibald Winters in shock. The old man is barely standing on his walking stick and there are tears in his eyes as well.

“You…” The words lodge in my throat and before I can say another word, he tugs me towards him and hugs me tightly, almost crushing the large ceramic vase between us, which someone is quick enough to rescue before I drop it. I clutch his shirt tightly and weep like a baby, still feeling the dull pang of anger even though it’s being overshadowed by my misery.

“Harold will do it,” Archibald says gruffly as he pats my head. “Will you let him? If you cannot control yourself, you stubborn young man.”

I pull away slowly, and without a word, pluck the urn from Harold’s hands and walk back to the edge of the deck.

‘Let me be one with Nature, Duo.’

“As you wish, Mom,” I whisper and open the urn to let out the ash and sand combination. Being careful to turn it downwind, so it doesn’t fly in our faces, I watch as it mingles with the water and is quickly dissolved, vanishing in a swirl of blue and sea-green – almost beautiful. Soon pink, red and white long stem roses join the ashes as everyone begins to toss in their final tribute to a woman that must have meant something to them in some way or another. I lower the urn into the water and watch it bob gracefully among the waves. The funeral director had asked if I wanted any to keep with me, but I refused. I don’t need sand and ashes to remind me of my mother. I’ll always remember this beach and her spirit anyway.

I turn around slowly and lift my gaze to the quiet mourners…almost in shame at my earlier behavior. I can feel my hot cheeks getting even hotter as I mumble my apologies, but I don’t get very far. Arms and hugs engulf me, there are more tears and sobs and against my wishes, someone has organized a small reception with food and drinks for everyone on the top deck of the large boat. The owner, a former client of my mother’s, has offered me the yacht to use at anytime. He’s even promised to rename it ‘Eleanor’ but I tell him not to bother. If I do get my own yacht, I’ll want to give it that name.

“…remember how she used to make those lame jokes about red shoes, do you remember, Tricia?”

“…loved to dance, didn’t she?”

“…looks so much like his mother. The poor soul.”

I smile wanly, nod appropriately, say a few words here and there – can’t even remember most of it as they reminisce and talk. Saito’s parents are actually nice and I can tell he got that premature silver-like hair from his dad. Archibald finally manages to pull me away for a moment and pats my slightly swollen cheek.

“I apologize for this, my boy. I can assure you I am not that violent.”

“S’okay,” I reply with a small smile. “If you hadn’t done it, I would have jumped into the sea or something.”

“I was afraid of that,” he confesses with a soft chuckle. He walks (or rather limps) to the railing of the top deck and I follow slowly. Together we watch the dying sunset  - a beautiful watercolor hue of violet and orange that basks the horizon. There are a few other sailboats in the distance and they look like tiny dots to me. The soft sea breeze blows across my hot cheeks and I close my eyes in gratitude, almost feeling my mom’s warm caress on my skin.

“Just like the color of her eyes,” Archibald says and I open mine quickly, noticing that the old man’s got tears running down his cheeks. I can’t help feeling slightly uncomfortable. Should I hug him or…? “That was what attracted her to your father. Those powerful, soul-sucking eyes of hers. His words, not mine.”

I smile and look to the heavens, wondering if Dad has been waiting patiently and they are now having dinner or something up there.

“Somehow…I feel I have to apologize for all this, Duo.”

I blink in confusion and stare at the lowered head before me. He looks so old and frail and I realize that in a few years, I’ll have to be at his funeral too. Fuck!

“What are you talking about?”

He looks at me with his wise gray eyes filled with sadness. “The knowledge of your past…your mother all she did and the father you never knew. Sometimes I wonder if it wasn’t best we let you be and allowed you to live without knowing any of these things.”

What if indeed.

I look away and clutch the railing tightly, biting my lower lip in thought. “I would have found out sooner or later,” I nod firmly. “And if I did…and I knew that you were all keeping this from me…” I turn to smile at him. “I’d have never forgiven you. Ever.”

He nods as if already aware of my answer. “Then I can die with no regrets.”

“Oh, god, don’t talk about death around me,” I groan.

“It’s inevitable, Duo. You should know that. But you…you’re growing up to be a fine man,” he continues and looks down. I follow his gaze as I notice who has stepped out to the deck below us. Heero’s watching the sea with a contemplative look on his face, his brown hair waving gently in the breeze as he leans on the railing. My heart skips a beat and I can feel my cheeks flush with color….the familiar heat flowing to my groins and the uncontrollable need to be beside him again.

Archibald must have been watching because he smiles and nudges me gently. “Harold tells me you’ve made a decision about your future?”

My future.

‘Don’t leave me….again, Duo. Never ever again.’

My Future.

“Yeah,” I say quietly, knowing in my heart now what I have to do…for me…for us. “Yeah, I think I’ve made my decision.”

Archibald chortles in mild pleasure. “And would you mind telling me what this decision is?”

I grin and take a deep breath, stepping away with a wink. “Let’s just say I should start buying those plane tickets. We’ve got a lot of frequent flyer miles to rack up.”

Archibald’s laughter follows me as I walk away and down the stairs to meet the one I love. I can’t wait to see the look on Heero’s face when I tell him the news. Education is great and all, but hell, if I’ve learned anything from Eleanor Maxwell, it’s to live life to the fullest with no regrets and to cherish every moment with the ones you care for, no matter how little.

It’s a mistake I never want to make…ever again.

~End Period Fifty-Seven~