Rating: R
Summary/Spoilers: Hige POV. Contemplations on feelings for a certain wolf. Hmm...I would say from episode 26 onwards, but you don't have to watch those to understand what's going on.
Warnings: Implied self-gratificaton...sort of.

Pairings: Kiba/Hige

 

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Betrayal:

I cannot look him in the eyes any more.

My heart – black, wounded, bleeding – still aches from all the pain I have caused them.

Blue has been extremely supportive of me. She has tried to make me think otherwise. She has told me that I had been forced to do it against my will. I had no right to put the blame all on myself, she says. But to me, her words sound too naïve and weak to be taken too seriously. As much as I love and admire her for her strength and courage, my mind and body continues to be filled with a remorse that cannot be healed so easily.

I cannot look him in the eyes.

I am afraid of what he might really see.

Would he see how truly sorry I am? Would he know that if I could turn back time I would take back every stupid and foolish mistake I had ever done? Would he know that I would kill to see him give me another genuine smile again?

No. He would never do that for me again. His mind is too focused on Cheza and the quest to reach a Paradise that might end up being the death of us.

I suppose I do deserve death in a way. I mean, what else is there to live for? I did not deserve this so-called Paradise. I had betrayed the only ones of my kind left, all in a quest to save myself.

How cowardly and foolish I was.

Had I been so tempted by the promise of great things from an aristocrat that I hadn’t even liked? Just what kind of a promise had she made, causing me to lose all rationale…at least the little I had left.

Bring the wolves to me, she had said. He is coming. The one. The key to our Paradise.

And like a fool, I had gone running. But alas, she had not told me just what to expect. Neither had she told me just what kind of a beast he would turn out to be.

Beautiful. Brave. Wise. Perhaps naïve. But…different.

I masked my confusion and instant but hopeless attraction to that gleaming coat of snow-white fur, those golden eyes and those sharp fangs that could tear into anyone with no hesitation whatsoever – with jokes and my know-it-all attitude. For the first time in a long while, I had found someone else like me. He was a stranger to my land. A land filled with darkness, filth and death. His presence – like a single white rose petal falling amongst a sea of dead grass – seemed to lift my dampened spirits. I had unconsciously made the decision to remain with him, no matter what happened.

For one glorious moment in time, I had forgotten just what my real mission was.

Back then, I could look into those beautiful eyes and smile. Back then, we could talk and kid around like real friends. I would teach him all that I know and I in return, I would revel in the fact that I could make him smile for me…and only me.

Did he know how I felt for him back then? Did he have any idea that I was beginning to experience an emotion that I thought I would never have for any other? Maybe. As I would swear that there were times when he had looked at me with a soft light in those golden depths.

Or maybe it’s just my imagination again.

“Can’t you sleep?”

I start and turn my head around quickly, my eyes wide with panic as I watch him approach me through the cloud of dust that surrounds us. I glance around quickly to see if any of the others are awake, but naturally, everyone is too exhausted from the journey to be awake at this time. I had long left the camp, a little ways back, to think on my own. Blue had stirred, but had not awoken - thankfully.

Anyone. Anyone else but him.

He stops a few feet away and watches me carefully, but I cannot look him in the eyes. I am too ashamed, can’t you see? Too hurt at all the pain I have caused you, Kiba. Could you ever forgive me?

“Your wound…how is it now?”

Why should you care? I deserve the pain. Please…please don’t come any closer.

“Ah…”

Is that me? Is that my voice that sounds so trembling and weak? Why? Why does he have his hands on me? Why is he this close? Why won’t he let me go? Why can’t I pull away?

“Aaaah…”

Its much thicker now – this groan of mine. I shiver as I feel his breath against my skin. That long, cool, rough, thick tongue of his is licking away my blood like it’s his own. I whimper and he lifts his head to look at me.

“Does it hurt too much?”

“No,” I croak out weakly, trying so very hard not to look into those knowing eyes. He will know. He can tell. My heart…oh, this heart has always belonged to you, Kiba.

“That’s good…”

What’s good? This is good? I hiss in a sharp breath and arch into him as he deepens his strokes with his tongue. Faster and more thorough, he continues to torture me. I try to pull away, my cheeks flushed with heat, my breathing becoming ragged and harsh, and my fingers trying to bury itself into his skin to pull him away from me. I cannot endure this torment anymore.

Kiba. Kiba. Kibaaaaa!

Can you hear my heart crying in pain? Are you trying to soothe my aching heart with this? Do you know just how you make me feel?

He gives me a particularly hard lick and it takes all of my strength not to scream out at the dual sensations of intense pain and pleasure that courses through my body. And to my embarrassment and humiliation, I find out that I have somehow given in to my arousal and excitement. The thick smell of my essence makes me blush and I finally tear myself away from him to huddle weakly against a rock in shame.

“Hige?” he calls out softly to me in slight confusion and concern but I cannot answer. My voice is too far-gone to form any coherent words. I want to cry. To bash my head against the rocks. To end my miserable life in this instant, if only to make him know just how sorry I am.

As usual, his uncanny ability to understand my unspoken words leaves me staring longingly at his retreating back as he begins to make his way to the others…no to Cheza. I clench my hands into fists and finally give in to my tears of self-pity and misery.

I can no longer look him in the eyes.

For the betrayal to the only one I can truly love will never truly be forgiven.


~Owari~